Rabbit in the Headlights

This is a post where I go deeply into how I feel about myself. I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m not hinting to you that you need to comment encouragingly below. I just want to let off some steam and let you guys know how I see myself.

(Prepare for some swearing)

I am a bitch. I know I am. I try to ignore the fact, but I generally am. I am occasionally kind to some people and I’m certainly getting better at being nice, but most of the time I am a right female dog. I’ve been called it before, by people I don’t like and people I do like. I’ve forgiven them all, they’re allowed to tell the truth, but I really would prefer it if they said it behind my back. I am actually perfectly okay with people talking behind my back. It’s to my face that I have a problem with. Because that’s when I’m in the spotlight, and I become the rabbit in the headlights. If it’s behind my back, I don’t know about it, and I can pretend it isn’t happening. This is an easier way of life, and a way I like.

I don’t like facing my mistakes, nobody does. But it’s when I make a mistake and my loved ones (friends, family) catch me out, that I become cruel and nasty. It’s a defence mechanism, a stupid one at that, but it makes me feel slightly better. When I make a mistake like the one I’ve just made, I draw myself immediately out of the situation, because it’s easier to forget that it’s happening, or at least hide that it’s happening. I delete messages, I delete proof, I send back messages saying that I’m offended, or the like. And then I cry myself to sleep, because I know that at some point I have to face the people who caught me out. I have to go to school tomorrow and see these people. They might not mention anything, but I will know that they know and that they are silently judging me. They will think worse of me. I have no problem with people I don’t like hating me, that’s fine, because it doesn’t affect me anymore. But I need to know that my friends still love me. Because they’re what makes school bearable. Even now, I’m trembling, because I can’t back out. There’s nothing I can do. How do you say something that someone is expecting? I’m having a rabbit in the headlights moment and I can’t get to sleep because of it. It’s two minutes to midnight and I’m still up worrying about this and writing it all down for the internet to see but never read. Only one person regularly reads this blog. I’m constantly checking Facebook and Gmail, dreading another message or email or comment or post, or something that will develop this situation further. I just want to leave the friendship group on Facebook and never go there again. I don’t want to show my face to anyone at all, but I know I have to.

Just tell me that it’s all going to be alright.

Sincere Love,

JMoriarty

Living the Fantasy

I’m going to post here a list. This is a list of all the characters from books, movies and TV shows that I am obsessed with. Some of theme are slightly embarrassing, and maybe some of them I should have gotten over by now. But this is what a blog is for, writing down your thoughts and embarrassing yourself for loads of strangers reading, because they don’t know who you are. Unless the only people who read your blog are your friends, in that case you have to be very careful whose names you mention and how much private stranger-worthy information you give.

Character Crush list:

  1. Mr Thornton from North and South
  2. Mr Darcy from Pride and Prejudice
  3. Harry Kennedy from the Vicar of Dibley: Wholly Happy Ending
  4. Gilan from Ranger’s Apprentice
  5. Will from Ranger’s Apprentice
  6. David Rain from the Last Dragon Chronicles
  7. Peter Pevensie from Narnia
  8. Spock from Star Trek: 2009
  9. Troy from High School Musical (don’t you dare laugh)
  10. Simon Tam from Firefly
  11. Pippin from Lord of the Rings
  12. Frodo from Lord of the Rings
  13. Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon
  14. Fred Weasley from Harry Potter
  15. George Weasley from Harry Potter
  16. Fabian from House of Anubis
  17. Augustus Waters from The Fault in Our Stars
  18. Oliver Wood from Harry Potter
  19. Sherlock from BBC Sherlock
  20. Tobias from Divergent
  21. Tristan Thorn from Stardust
  22. Gideon de Villiers from Rubinrot
  23. Tamaki from Ouran High School Host Club
  24. Kyoya from Ouran High School Host Club
  25. Teddy from My Invisible Boyfriend
  26. Caelen from The Dragon of Trelian
  27. Levi from Fangirl
  28. Bernard from The Santa Clause
  29. Graham from The Holiday
  30. Adam from If I Stay
  31. Eugene from Tangled
  32. Dmitri from Anastasia

So, there’s the list (so far). Told you it was embarrassing. Showing you this list isn’t the point of this post though. It’s about living in a fantasy world all the time. I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 1/4 years earlier this year, and since then I haven’t had a crush on a real guy. This is pretty weird for me, because before I went out with aforementioned unnamed boyfriend, I like up to three guys at once.

However, I do like the above mentioned 32 characters. Some of theme are past crushes, and some are still in my mind. For instance, Mr Thornton, who I mentioned in an earlier post along with Mr Darcy. Harry Kennedy, who is also played by Richard Armitage (who plays Mr Thornton) is also stuck in my mind. I have forced myself into this world where I love all these made up people, and I’m missing the real world go by. There are real guys who I probably would have crushes on, but don’t because I’m so wrapped up in my fantasy. This is really hard for me, because I just want to meet the right guy. I’m fifteen and I’m worrying about this! Why?! I know that the day will come when I lay eyes on someone and something will just click, but then again, it might not click. It’s not like in the movies where two characters meet each other, and their eyes linger on each other, and as soon as you see that tiny linger, you know that they are a future couple. When two character’s brush hands and there’s a tiny moment where everything is focused on that hand brushing, and the two characters feel something, something magical, because they know that the other person is their true love. When two characters kiss, there are fireworks or roses or sparkly sounds. IT DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE! Either that, or aforementioned ex-boyfriend wasn’t the one for me, cause I certainly felt no fireworks.

So how the hell are you supposed to know if someone is right for you? When you meet Mr Right, will you know straight away? Or will you become friends and then one day just wake up and realise that you can’t get him off your mind? Have you already met Mr Right, and you don’t feel anything for him yet? Will you EVER meet Mr Right, or will you live out the rest of your days never knowing? I know I couldn’t cope with that, I would go insane if I never got married. I know some people like it that way, but I wouldn’t, being the hopeless romantic that I am. Anyway, tell me your thoughts in the comments and if you know me in person, don’t judge me for the aforementioned list.

Ser deg senere!

JMoriarty