This is a post where I go deeply into how I feel about myself. I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m not hinting to you that you need to comment encouragingly below. I just want to let off some steam and let you guys know how I see myself.
(Prepare for some swearing)
I am a bitch. I know I am. I try to ignore the fact, but I generally am. I am occasionally kind to some people and I’m certainly getting better at being nice, but most of the time I am a right female dog. I’ve been called it before, by people I don’t like and people I do like. I’ve forgiven them all, they’re allowed to tell the truth, but I really would prefer it if they said it behind my back. I am actually perfectly okay with people talking behind my back. It’s to my face that I have a problem with. Because that’s when I’m in the spotlight, and I become the rabbit in the headlights. If it’s behind my back, I don’t know about it, and I can pretend it isn’t happening. This is an easier way of life, and a way I like.
I don’t like facing my mistakes, nobody does. But it’s when I make a mistake and my loved ones (friends, family) catch me out, that I become cruel and nasty. It’s a defence mechanism, a stupid one at that, but it makes me feel slightly better. When I make a mistake like the one I’ve just made, I draw myself immediately out of the situation, because it’s easier to forget that it’s happening, or at least hide that it’s happening. I delete messages, I delete proof, I send back messages saying that I’m offended, or the like. And then I cry myself to sleep, because I know that at some point I have to face the people who caught me out. I have to go to school tomorrow and see these people. They might not mention anything, but I will know that they know and that they are silently judging me. They will think worse of me. I have no problem with people I don’t like hating me, that’s fine, because it doesn’t affect me anymore. But I need to know that my friends still love me. Because they’re what makes school bearable. Even now, I’m trembling, because I can’t back out. There’s nothing I can do. How do you say something that someone is expecting? I’m having a rabbit in the headlights moment and I can’t get to sleep because of it. It’s two minutes to midnight and I’m still up worrying about this and writing it all down for the internet to see but never read. Only one person regularly reads this blog. I’m constantly checking Facebook and Gmail, dreading another message or email or comment or post, or something that will develop this situation further. I just want to leave the friendship group on Facebook and never go there again. I don’t want to show my face to anyone at all, but I know I have to.
Just tell me that it’s all going to be alright.